WTF*#!! is emotional regulation?
Slow is smooth, smooth is fast is what the firefighters say.
When it comes to fire, you better organize to work with it, if you want avoid burning things down. Imagine an unregulated fire hose as a metaphor for emotional dis-regulation. A powerful current of pressure contained in a hose with a force that can become a weapon of mass destruction in multiple directions. Being able to direct that energy in a focused effort is what makes it an effective tool.
We cannot always control what we feel but we can React strategically.
Another metaphor: We cannot control the weather. We can choose how we dress, where to go or build a shelter. Observing the weather: storm clouds, climate, the lay of the land, direction of the wind, the behavior of those around us, help assess the situation. In wilderness training the acronym S.T.O.P is used to orient when in distress: sit, think, observe, plan. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy (DBT), a synthesis of cognitive therapy techniques and mindfulness, also uses STOP as an acronym for distress tolerance. The emotional kind.
S - Don’t just react, Stop, Pause
Take a step back, take a breath,
Observe your experience, impulses, feelings, thoughts and beliefs/assumptions/judgements. Check the facts.
Proceed mindfully, strategize, consider your options
Although these acronyms are logical, wise and useful, in the heat of moment it can feel impossible and overwhelming to pause. The initial impulse might be to do something fast, or roll into a ball and freeze. And sometimes frankly thats the best response, if someone is coming at you with a knife, stopping to do the STOP skill may not be the best way to respond. And most of the time we have time to pause, consider the data and consciously decide what to do in contrast to reacting before considering the consequences or even what you want out of the situation.
If nothing else choose your regrets mindfully.
When we get flooded with feelings often there is time to be curious. However the feelings often scream for resolution right now. Neurologically our minds want to find the source of distress and squash it. The urge for immediate solutions, understanding, relief is a cause of dis-regulation.
Its a domino effect: one thought leads to all sorts of assumptions, some possibly mis-calculations, some partially true, some intuitively insightful. Cultivating the ability to pause, explore the facts of the situation and sort through all the feelings that get stirred up is very useful. Regular therapy sessions provide a place to stop, reflect and orient. Therapy builds emotional resilience.
Emotions are fundamentally energy. Energy wants to move, go somewhere, release. Being able to describe what you are experiencing helps regulate energetic pressures so that you get to direct it rather than it controlling you. Therapy helps you sort thru what you are feeling and figure out how to be effective with that energy whether it is putting out fires or growing a life with others or both.